There are a lot of thoughts racing through my mind these days, and a lot of it makes for some sleepless nights and more anxiety than I normally succumb to. Lots of it was even before the disasters in Japan and elsewhere.
A few weeks ago, a roommate of mine from college lost her nearly 2 year old daughter. She just simply did not wake up from her nap.. Almost 2 years old. She would have turned 2 on the 7th of March. When I found out, I was devastated for her.. I can't imagine that sort of pain. At the same time it scares me to pieces.
I used to read on friends' blogs (before I had Mont) about their worst fear was something happening to their children or husband. I thought it was sweet, but didn't understand the full magnitude of their feelings. Now I can relate it to when I was growing up, my worst fear was something happening to my parents or sister. You think of someone you love and admire for their strength in such a vulnerable position and it makes your nerves tinge and your mind spin with anxious dread. Now with someone (and nearly 2 someones) to protect and keep safe, it's even more intense of a feeling than ever. No wonder why love comes through sacrifice; I'd give everything I have to keep my children safe.
Then the disaster struck Japan. The disasters are far from over, and I hope I am ready if ever I have to face one. I heard there's a scientist (or several) who predicts another large quake in the US's NorthWest within the next week or so. This morning we had a small one, and on facebook I was asked by my Relief Society President, "Are you ready?" To which I replied, "... no I'm not ready!! ... well yes, I have 800 gallons of water in the garage, and food storage in the basement, but I just want to have this baby in a hospital that's not shaking back and forth!! oh gosh.."
Yes I'm physically ready, but am I emotionally and mentally ready? Survival is an interesting thing, isn't it? When you are faced with a situation where you have to fight, flight, or freeze, ... are those the right three? ... you have so much adrenaline rushing through you, that you are bound to not remember the pain too much. You don't concentrate on the pain, because it's crippling. You do what you need to do to survive, as happily as you can after a certain amount of time. Japan will always remember this devastation, and my friend will always remember her heartache. But they will survive. Perhaps wounded for a good long while, but I believe they will recover.
The last few days have been a bit harder than most on me, which is saying something because I don't normally have 'hard days.' I feel guilty when all I have energy to do is stay on the couch and roll a crayon across the table top with Mont. I should be enjoying these last couple of weeks with him as my only child! I love his creativity, his spontaneity, his joy, his new-found talents (like throwing his baseball at Buckwheat), his squeals when he gets overly excited, and how he is now making some of his own choices.
I take comfort in routine. It calms me. I think of all the fun we have as I pour his bath water and he is all ready to be tickled, and how he folds his arms at the very mention of "prayer" then acts like he's closing his eyes, until he becomes distracted 2 seconds later and tries to kiss me while I do the praying. I love these moments. One of the fun moments (photo above) is after I've brushed his teeth and I let the water run while he dabs his brush under the faucet and returns it to his mouth about 10 - 15 times, all the while he is making silly faces in the mirror. Simple pleasures are worth being happy for.
And I don't ever want to take them for granted.
